The Guide to Living With a Depressed Person™

by Gary O’Brien

Congratulations! You are now a proud owner of a Depressed Person™! This is a very exciting period of time for you as you unpack and understand your new living companion. While he may look like the previous model, Regular Person™, there are some key features of this model that are important to understand before you start using the product:

  • Dread—While Regular Person™ seemed to enjoy and look forward to things such as concerts, dinners and breathing, Depressed Person™ finds no joy in anything. Anything Regular Person™ happened to love is now a chore for Depressed Person™. No more of that annoying happiness over simple things like “a good day.” With Dread your new Depressed Person™ can now find nothing worthwhile to get excited about. What a load off!
  • Low Energy—Regular Person™ is a high energy, high consumption product and we understand that sometimes they are difficult to manage. With Depressed Person™ those worries are no more! Depressed Person™ doesn’t really feel like doing anything anyway, so he comes with a lower appetite for food—so no more worry about those consumption costs. Note: Depressed Person™ may have an unquenchable need for a variety of non-food items including beer, vodka, marijuana or any other substance that may provide brief moments of joy followed by crushing loneliness.  Note 2: There are some models of Depressed Person™ that come with our patented Comfort Mode. In this mode Depressed Person™ will only find joy through eating all the ice cream in the house. This is not a glitch. However if your model is stuck in Comfort Mode you can send him to our repair shop once a week for an hour-long repair (rates vary). There is no guarantee of success nor an estimated time for completion of turning off Comfort Mode.
  • Self-Hatred—Don’t think that your new Depressed Person™ has had all of our patented Passion removed. Quite the contrary! This new model is passionate about many things. For example: how worthless he is; reviewing every past mistake in nauseating detail; flashing back to horrid traumas; turning past triumphs into failures; destruction of relationships; coming up with new and unique ways to suffer, such as being kicked to death by rabbits (a service in which Paul Gilmartin once specialized).
  • The Trauma Circuit and Fear, Anger, Shame, Regret, Anxiety—Depressed Person™ is an extremely complex device and he comes with very complex features. Depressed Person’s Fear, Anger, Shame and Anxiety module is often triggered by its internal Trauma Circuit. Some Depressed Person™ models are installed with a Trauma Awareness module while others are not. It is important to know which model you have. The Trauma Circuit is delicate. It is important to know that it is there but it is recommended that it not be poked, prodded or pulled out without assistance of a professional repair consultant.
  • Sleep Mode—Depressed Person™ now comes with a variable Sleep Mode. This will often allow you more time for yourself because Depressed Person™ may just go to sleep for hours and hours and not bother you at all! In fact, Depressed Person™ is at his best when in bed.
  • No More Sex!—One of the chief complaints we received with our Regular Person™ is that all he wants to do is have sex. Depressed Person™ still wants that, somewhere deep within, but because of Dread, Low Energy and Self-Hatred sex becomes a low priority and sometimes triggers the Anxiety Module. In some cases Depressed Person™ will still have an interest in sex and a desire to be more like Regular Person™. If you want Regular Person™ without the sex simply install our SSRI Libido Reduction System. Depressed Person™ will become Stable Person™, but often with a lack of sexual desire or ability to orgasm.
  • Convertible—Depressed Person™ is a wholly convertible product. Though this feature is still in beta and should not be considered a stable build, Depressed Person™ has the capability to be converted into Regular Person™. In order to do this you must purchase one of several recommended ingestible accessories that may or may not work for your model (it’s good to experiment!) and we highly recommend weekly visits to our repair shop. As with Comfort Mode there is no guarantee of success in the conversion to Regular Person™ nor is there a time table for turnaround on the conversion. NOTE: Many times Depressed Person™ will cycle back and forth between Regular Person™ and Depressed Person™. There is no cause for alarm as this is a normal byproduct of the Depression Engine installed in Depressed Person™. However, should you experience any Mania Generation we recommend you bring your Depressed Person™ to our repair facility for weekly repair and stabilization accessories.

WARNINGS: Depressed Person™ is a unique product and should be handled with care. There will be periods of listening to Joy Division, Radiohead, Pink Floyd, The Smiths and a wide variety of music that will produce within Depressed Person™ a sort of rocking back and forth quietness. This is normal behavior for this model. It is known as Melancholia and allows the Depressed Person™ to go into The Cave to regenerate. Please do not disturb Depressed Person™ while in a state of Melancholia unless you wish to risk damage. We make no warranties and assume no risks for the results of disturbing Depressed Person™ during Melancholia.

Welcome to Depressed Person™!

So, you’ve got a Depressed Person™! What a wonderful journey you have ahead of you. There are so many exciting adventures you can take with Depressed Person™ including, but not limited to:

  • Why Do You Bother Staying With Me?
  • I Have To Clean The Entire House Because Everything Is Terrible!
  • I Don’t Know Why I’m Crying, and
  • Sitting On The Shower Floor With The Hot Water Running Over Me Makes Me Feel Whole Again

Now that you’ve unpacked your Depressed Person™ and he is acclimating to his living conditions there are some import rules you need to understand in order to keep a properly functioning Depressed Person™.

  1. Do not tell Depressed Person™ to “just cheer up.” Depressed Person™ comes pre-installed with a desire to cheer up but does not have the onboard ability to do so. Remember, Depressed Person™ did not choose to be Depressed Person™. He was built that way! Similar statements are “it’s all in your head,” “look on the bright side,” and “it could be worse.” NOTE: Comparing Depressed Person™ to any other type of Person will only lead to malfunctions.
  2. Do not try to compete with Depressed Person™ when it comes to troubles and sadness. This may lead to a change in the internal operating system and will result in an unintended reboot as Severely Depressed Person™.
  3. Do not make commands for happiness or motivation. Depressed Person™ is not built to respond to these commands. If you would like your Depressed Person™ to have happiness and motivation it is recommended that he visit a repair facility for weekly appointments and/or ingestible accessories.
  4. It’s not about you! Remember that Depressed Person™ came with a set of features pre-installed. There is nothing you said or did that made Depressed Person™ a Depressed Person™. They just are a Depressed Person™.
  5. It may not be about anything! There are some cases where there was a triggering situation that activated Depressed Person™, such as losing a job. Many times Depressed Person™ is just Depressed Person™. In these times it is important to support Depressed Person™ with love, comfort and understanding.
  6. Depressed Person™ should have a built in wish to become Regular Person™. If this onboard feature is not functioning it is important that Depressed Person™ visit a repair facility for weekly repairs to avoid conversion to Severely Depressed Person™.*
  7. Listen! While silence and heavy sighs are often the primary way Depressed Person™ communicates it is important to remember to listen to your Depressed Person™. When Depressed Person™ talks openly it is good for the longevity of the product.
  8. Talk to your Depressed Person™! It is important that you talk to your Depressed Person™ and respond to his feelings and concerns with compassion, empathy, understanding and respect. This is also good for the longevity of the product.
  9. TALK don’t TELL! As we mentioned above you must talk to your Depressed Person™. It is important to understand that Depressed Person™ will not respond to TELLING. If you talk to Depressed Person™ about being Regular Person™ he will respond well (though sometimes with difficulty). However, if you TELL Depressed Person™ how to become Regular Person™ then you risk conversion to Angry Person™ or, worse, Severely Depressed Person™.  Remember that Depressed Person™ has been preinstalled with Self-Hatred so when you tell him how he should be attaining his goal of becoming Regular Person™ then you will set off the Self-Hatred feature and Depressed Person™ will only see this as you pointing out his flaws or simply not understanding.

NOTE: It is also important that you do not put Regular Person™ on a pedestal. Regular Person™ is not a perfect product nor is it a better product. It is simply a product with a different set of features.

  1. Remember that you cannot fix Depressed Person™ and make him Regular Person™. Depressed Person™ is who he is and cannot be changed by external forces. In order for you to start the conversion process to Regular Person™ Depressed Person™ must want to become Regular Person™ and pursue his path through the proper channels (including visits to a repair facility and sometimes ingestible accessories). If you believe that you can make Depressed Person™ into Regular Person™ on your own, without his cooperation or consent, it is suggested that you return the product immediately so he can find a loving home.

*If you are in a relationship with a Depressed Person™ who has no desire to become Regular Person™ it is suggested that you evaluate the relationship and if it is good for you to have this Depressed Person™ model. Though it may sound cruel to wonder if you should be in a relationship with a Depressed Person™ in this state it is important for you to understand that some Mental Health products can actually be damaging to others. Try to get your Depressed Person™ to a repair facility immediately. If he refuses any sort of repair assistance he may have a faulty upgrade ability. If your Depressed Person™ has a faulty upgrade module it may be best to consider other model options as a Depressed Person™ without upgrade ability can drag you into a spiral that ultimately can convert YOU into a Depressed Person™ yourself.  NOTE: This may be a controversial stance, but your being is just as valid and important as that of a Depressed Person™.

With these few tips and tricks living with a Depressed Person™ can be a rich and rewarding life! Please use Depressed Person™ carefully and caringly. Remember our motto: We’re All Fucked Up In Some Way.

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    i giggled, but mostly due to the feedback loop and being in Regular Person mode atm.
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Wednesday, 16th October